ROAR!  So, the recruitment drive for Battle of the Dolls has begun.  I take it you’ve all spotted the featured page on our website by now?  No?  Well, GO AND TAKE A LOOK AT IT, YOU CRAZY FOOL! ... Done?  Read it?

That’s better.

Now!  Battle of the Dolls.  Yes!  A historic fight over Xbox Live, where Frag Doll battles Frag Doll and only one team can prove victorious.  And you can bet it’s going to be tense.  It’s going to be stressful.  It’s going to require every inch of your tea-making skills to pull you through and make sure you’re the one holding one of those shiny little Ipod Nanos at the end of the day.

Of course, where Ghost Recon: Advanced Warfighter is involved, one must be tactical about this kind of thing.  One must be stealthy.  One must use their wits, like a squirrel, dancing from tree to tree in the dead of night, hoping to secure that elusive acorn.

I’m sure you’re already thinking about whose team to join, aren’t you?  And maybe, in that crazy brain of yours, Team Jam isn’t at the top of your stupid list?  Well!  I’m not one for threats or blackmail.  I’m not one to tell you that I “know people.” Oh no.  I’m just going to advise that before you run off on your daft little venture, throwing your precious chances away at the hands of my foolish Frag Doll sisters, that you sit down and really think things through.  Because life is precious.  I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you.  Wouldn’t want you to have an “accident” ...

So as I, Jam, am a lovely lady, I’ve listed some facts here.  Facts to help you make up your mind.  Let’s review, shall we?  First up!

Team Sarin: A popular choice.  Some could say the best choice.  Although, some of us (the ones who are clearly on the right track) would say… A RUBBISH CHOICE!  Think clearly.  What do you really know about Sarin?  She dabbles in a bit of the dead body business.  Likes to cook.  Likes to CUT UP SMALL KITTENS AND STAMP ON THEM AND THROW ACID INTO THEIR PLEADING, CUTE LITTLE EYES - oh wait, you say you didn’t know that?  You say that that’s not a very nice thing to do to our furry friends?  Well then, I ask you, do you really want side with someone like that...?

Team Voodoo: Again, another popular choice.  We know she’s a bit of all right on the FPS.  We know that in the photograph for Battle of the Dolls she has little black fingerless gloves that look pretty cool.  But did you know that Voodoo sleeps with bags of potatoes and, in the middle of the night, gets up to roll them around her bedroom floor ... ?  What’s that?  You think that’s crazy?  The act of a complete mad woman?  Well then, dear friends, I ask you - do you really want to side with our starchy friend?  Do you really want to throw your life away in a flurry of carbohydrates?

Team Kitt: Ah - again, such a tempting option!  Such a dilemma.  It kills me to do this, it really does, especially as we all know Kitt has such cute, strokable hair.  Such shiny hair.  Such glistening hair.  How could you not apply for the chance to be greeted with such rich body and strength?  Well, dear amore, have you thought of the backlash - greasy roots, split ends?  We all know Kitt does like to pick up frail old ladies and dump them like empty crisp packets, before running away - with their pension slips - into the sunset.  What’s that?  You didn’t know Kitt regularly harassed and robbed sweet little old ladies?  You think that’s an awful thing to do, even if she does have nice hair?  Well then!  I think that’s something you’re going to have to take into consideration, don’t you?

And of course, there is me, Team Jam. And I know what you’re thinking, because I always do.  You’re thinking - “But I’m not good enough for her!  She kicks the booty!  She wipes the floor!  She picks up the metaphorical mop and not only gives everywhere a bit of a spring clean, but she dashes down to Ikea and buys herself a whole new set of solid-wood block flooring!” And in reply to that I say - give yourself a break.  If you work hard and train hard like me, then perhaps we can both take that mop and charge to victory.  On my team, I promise you a plentiful supply of rich tea biscuits, chocolate hobnobs, and Earl Grey tea.  Not only that, I promise you that your enemies shall fall before me and my l33t skills - though of course, I am not one to boast - and together, TOGETHER MY FRIENDS ... VICTORY SHALL BE OURS FOR THE TAKING!

I know it’s a hard decision.  I know you don’t want to let those losers down, but at the end of the day do you really want to affiliate yourself with a bunch of no-hopers?  Do you really want to be so hard on yourself?

Still, the choice is yours.  Think carefully.  Your kneecaps may or may not depend on it.

Team Jam out.