Aug 29, 2:56 pm
There’s only so long you can spend your evenings taking photographs of nubile young girls before people begin to talk. But I assure you that I play Dead or Alive Xtreme 2 with the sincerest intentions. You see, there’s an unspoken truth about the DOAX games - they’re some of the girliest in the world. It’s a girls paradise! And I’m going to tell you why.
1) You spend all day playing by the beach or hanging by the pool: You don’t even need to worry about bad weather, sunburn or finding a ‘floater’ in the water. In DOAX2, every day is a sunny day. Not stuck in Asda filling sandwiches, bored at school or sitting in a pokey little cubicle office stapling your head to the desk. What girl wouldn’t kill for such an opportunity?
2) You have no overheads: Hmm, what shall I spend my not-so hard earned cash on, today? Ooh, I know. Clothes. And y’know what I’m going to buy tomorrow? More clothes. I can even stroll down to Zack of All Trades and stuff my face full of cakes if I want (AND NEVER PUT ON WEIGHT!) No bills. No taxes. Nada!
3) Accessorize, darling!: Everyone knows there are oodles of swimming costumes available to purchase in DOAX2, but the thing that’ll really drive ladies (well, me) to distraction are the ACCESSORIES! Suddenly one swimsuit can have so many combinations. Don’t you think that acqua-marine two piece would look so super cute with some white peep-toes and a red hair pin? Ooh! How about we add a flowery straw hat, ditch the shoes, and team it up with a bangle!? Cue complete mental breakdown, and an evening spent weighing up the pros and cons of flats vs. heels.
See, it doesn’t have to ALL be smut. She’s wearing a one piece
4) Play dress up AND treasure the memories: So you have the clothes. And the accessories. How on earth could this get any better? I know! A PHOTOSHOOT! It’s classic Barbie ‘n’ Sindy play dress up nostalgia. Plus there’s a new bonus mini game: Avoid the crotch shot! Fun for all the family.
5) It’s a massive slagging fest: It doesn’t matter how good your intentions or how hard you try - if you lose enough games, your volleyball partner leaves… Unless you want to bribe her with presents, of course. But don’t think it’s a simple matter of popping over to Tesco’s and grabbing her a ‘Thank You’ card. Get the wrong gift and she’ll drop you like the DOAX series sales figures. Sure, the girls may look like butter wouldn’t melt, but deep down they’re all vindictive wenches. And we love ‘em.
DOAX2: Where B*witched lives on
The weird thing is, I don’t even classify myself as a girly girl. But DOAX2 is tapping into a very strange side of me; the side of me that likes B*witched. Terrifying, isn’t it? I know I’m letting the female side down, and I do sincerely apologise for confirming every stereotype ever known to woman. I know my aim on Rainbow Six: Vegas is suffering because I keep on thinking I’m supposed to hurl my gun at my opponent and have them bounce it back to me. I know that the game is really just a vapid, unresponsive perv-fest with crap gameplay, but I can see past that. I’m seeing a whole other level.
Hitomi shows off her latest purchase with pride
I’ll stop tomorrow. Yes, I’ll stop tomorrow… Right after I save up enough money to buy Ayane’s racoon outfit. And, um, buy some gold shoes… And match it with a butterfly hair clip.
I’M DOOMED!
