In the spirit of getting acquainted with our readers I feel I should give away something about myself, some secret or weakness besides the obvious kinda thing like downloading Shakira’s ‘Whenever, Wherever’ and then dancing to it in my pants on the couch (you should try it). So here it is. After decades of playing every type of game on every type of gaming machine, through having a column about girl gamers and years of reviewing games, I’ve always had a fear of online gaming - onlinophobia if you will.

It started a while back when my PC was a jumped up typewriter with a dial-up connection and I didn’t reach the minimum specs for anything. Eventually my Dad (an amateur modder) stepped in, ripped open my PC, jammed a variety of circuit boards, bits of plastic and cables into it, while saying some incantations ("you mumfing … b%$^*% ffrummble mumble"), put it back together and my new ‘puter was born. Yay! By now though I felt like I would be such a noob in any game that was out that I thought I’d just leave it until ‘some other time’ to get some online games.

It was slightly different with the consoles. It was all going to be incredibly simple. All you have to do is just blah blah network adapter, blah blah router blah blah IPS, IP, DSN DHCP, PPPoE… aaaaaaaarrgh, NO! If I wanted letters and numbers vomited at me I wouldn’t own a console would I? I’d have stuck with the PC! Anyway even if I did get online my onlinophopia would only have made me too scared to actually join a game anyway. What if I made a mistake? I might be a genius against AI. I might know most games inside out. I might be able to tell you all about various luminaries in games development but what if I accidentally shoot my own (13 year old American) team captain in the back of the head and he shouts at me?

I, not generally being someone faint of heart, eventually decided to face my fear. First off I got Guild Wars to ease myself in gently and discovered a world of warm, friendly, welcoming people who had no intention of shouting at me or shunning me for being new.  In fact, within minutes of starting the game I had dumped all my clothes in my inventory and joined a ‘naked dance party’. Within a few days, on a particularly hard mission, when the whole party, but one, died because I was a bit slow with a healing spell no one shouted at me, we just shouted ‘run, Forest, run!’ at the one remaining character as he made a dash for the nearest portal and commiserated with him when he was overwhelmed by slavering beasts a few steps from safety. 

Having already broken my online gaming cherry I’ve now got myself on Xbox Live (which didn’t turn out to be all that complicated) and discovered the joy of Rainbow 6 Lockdown. As for my fear? Not only did I shoot my team captain in the back of the head, I managed to accidentally shoot every member of my team in the back of the head within minutes of my first game and had to run and gun the rest of the level on my own with my very dead team watching me in observer mode. Were they angry with me? No, they just shouted ‘run, Forest, run! in their cute 13 year old American voices as I made for the end of level checkpoint.

My real life - and Guild - sister Tina (left) and I kicking back
on the beach in Guild Wars.

To join the Frag Dolls Guild and get a pink cape, whisper me, Kitt FDUK.